Category Archives: videos

“anorexia: breaking the silence” a documentary preview

eating disorders have one characteristic in common.

no, it’s not the weight loss.

no, it’s not “a teenage disease.”

eating disorders are silent killers. 

according to neda, eating disorders kill 4.0 percent of those with anorexia, 3.9 percent of those with bulimia and a staggering 5.2 percent with an eating disorder not otherwise specified (ednos.)

think about it: five out of every 100 people will die because of an eating disorder.

five will die because they chose to remain silent.

because they chose to not speak up.

i’m here to change that.

i’m here to tell my story.

a few months ago, i published a piece called “refeeding syndrome: my story” and it took off.

i was astonished to see how many people viewed and connected with my story.

i’m back to tell the entire thing, but this time, as a documentary.

director and youtuber, celia werner approached me about producing a piece on my struggles with anorexia and decision to pursue recovery.

i was nervous to show my face at first, but felt the project could reach people in a way my blog never could.

the project is done.

the story has been told.

the face on the camera is mine.

in the coming weeks, my story will be published in segments and i’ll further explain my thoughts in writing.

here’s the sneak peek of the upcoming special: “anorexia: breaking the silence”

you are beautiful.

you deserve to break the silence.

after thanksgiving thoughts and fears

thanksgiving was this past thursday, for americans.

my family loves the holiday because everyone comes together.

my friends love the holiday because they get to go home for the holiday.

i used to love the holiday before the eating disorder.

now it just scares me.

thanksgiving stresses me out.

it’s that simple.

it’s the one day when it’s acceptable to gorge yourself.

it’s the one day when everyone stares at you and watches you eat, even more closely.

it’s the one day a year where i almost change my mind about recovery every year.

guaranteed.

i found this video on youtube which describes the “post-thanksgiving” feeling perfectly.

does this sound familiar:

you wear loose clothes, so no one can se the weight you’ll gain.

you inspect your body “pre-meal” and “post-meal” to see if the food made any visible change.

for days afterwards you feel bloated and convince yourself it’s noticeable to everyone around you.

if any of this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

whether you’re currently suffering from an eating disorder, in recovery, or out of recovery:

you aren’t alone.

thanksgiving is a challenge for everyone affected by the disease.

however, it’s a wonderful opportunity to show loved ones how much progress you’ve made towards recovery.

by making an attempt to eat, you’re proving your victory over anorexia, bulimia and ednos.

it takes more than one meal to visibly gain weight.

know that partaking in a holiday meal will not make you appear different.

i promise.

i have to remind myself of that very idea every time there’s a big dinner.

your family and friends love you and will not be judging you on what you eat.

odds are they’ll probably be pleased to see you making an attempt.

i always worried my family would think i was “healthy” if i ate food on thanksgiving.

“healthy” was the biggest fear i had in regards to other people’s opinion.

for those of you with the same concern i had: one meal will not change people’s opinion of you.

however, it might cause them to have more respect for you.

and that’s never a bad thing.

for those of you who celebrated thanksgiving, i hope you had a lovely holiday.

if you’ve been struggling, know you are growing stronger and healing is a process. what seemed difficult this year, might not be as hard next year.

for those of you who did not celebrate thanksgiving, i’m rooting for you this holiday season.

we can do this together and have the best winter together.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to not worry about holiday meals.

advertising the eating disorder

i love to watch tv.

i really do.

i’m also probably the easiest person to convince to buy something after just watching a 30 second commercial.

think of all of those stupid products you see advertised on infomercials: chances are i probably own it.

so what’s the point of this little commercial rant?

no, i’m not telling you to go out and buy yourself a “magic bullet…”

the images we see on tv have so much of an impact on us.

they tell us what kind of shampoo to use.

they tell us where to buy jewelry.

they even tell us what to eat.

anyone remember this particular yoplait light commercial from 2011?

in the commercial, a thin woman is trying to rationalize eating a slice of cheesecake.

she thinks about “canceling out” the cake with celery.

she thinks about exercising while she’s eating.

but how does the video end?

she doesn’t eat the cake.

she instead eats yoplait’s “diet” version of their dessert line.

so what’s the big deal?

why was this advertisement eventually banned from airing on networks?

eventually, it was argued the commercial was insensitive to the millions of people with eating disorders.

i couldn’t agree more.

i had these thoughts multiple times a day when this commercial originally aired.

i remember thinking nothing of it.

there are so many impressionable minds watching tv; seeing an ad like that will justify “thinking about the wasted calories” and not eating.

justify depriving themselves to stay thin.

justify anorexic or bulimic thoughts.

justify something that can eventually kill.

maybe instead of promoting ideas linked to eating disorders, stations should air commercials like this:

we are what we watch.

we absorb more than we think.

we need to be careful what we allow ourselves to believe.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to see the truth.

dove real beauty sketches

close your eyes.

think about your face.

how your hair parts and falls on your cheeks.

how the skin around your eyes wrinkles slightly as you laugh.

how your nose looks when the light hits you just so.

now imagine a total stranger sat in a room with you and drew you based solely on your own description of the face you see staring back at you everyday.

what would you say?

how do you begin to describe yourself?

how do you begin to verbalize your flaws?

how do you begin to verbalize your own beauty?

for those of us with eating disorders, describing positive features on our bodies is difficult.

i might even go as far to say it’s near to impossible.

no matter what, there is something you would change about your face.

maybe it’s a feature your mother pointed out or something you were teased in school about.

words stay with us.

i know.

i have my own struggles just like you do.

but now, imagine seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes; through the lens of caring and positivity, the same lens i’m sure you view others with.

those imperfections you see: minimized.

your best features: highlighted.

who knows, maybe something will show up you never even noticed before.

on the left, "shelly" as she described herself. on the right, "shelly" as described by a stranger.

on the left, “shelly” as she described herself.
on the right, “shelly” as described by a stranger.

in april, the dove real beauty campaign set out to do exactly this: to prove to women they are more beautiful than they realize.

each woman described her own face to an artist (who could not see his subject) and afterwards a total stranger described the same woman.

when the pictures were placed side by side, the results were visibly overwhelming.

all of the women appeared more beautiful in the second drawing than in the first.

all of them.

the subjects harshly described themselves and exaggerated her own less desirable features.

it wasn’t until they were given a glimpse into what others saw, that they all began to truly realize their own natural beauty.

one of the women who was drawn during the “dove real beauty sketches” openly admitted that, “maybe we’re all more beautiful than we think.”

maybe she’s right.

maybe if you give it a chance, you’ll begin t believe it too.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to see your real beauty.

loving: with an eating disorder

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anorexia.

bulimia.

depression.

self harm.

all just words, but mean so much more.

labels that society has given you.

labels that society has given me.

labels that you carry for the rest of your life and try to hide with smiles.

labels that you try and hide through accomplishments.

labels that you try and hide through social conformity.

you think that looking like everyone else will solve your problems.

will ease your pain.

that somehow being “pretty” and “skinny” will fill the emptiness you feel inside.

emptiness currently filled by disappointment and self-hate.

that somehow you will finally feel loved.

because right now, you don’t.

you have forgotten what it feels like to love yourself.

all you know is hate.

all you know is disgust.

“if you lose 5 more pounds you’ll be the right size to deserve self-love.”

“if you are the skinniest girl in the room, your friends will love you more.”

“if you pretend to be happy, your parents will finally love you.”

however, you’re not alone.

you aren’t the only one who thinks like this.

according to the dove real beauty campaign:

75% of girls have truthfully reported to have low self-esteem.

only 25% feel positive about herself.

because of this, many girls stop doing activities they once loved.

they feel they aren’t worthy and don’t look good enough to dance or cheer anymore.

they base their self-worth in their jean size.

they base their self-worth in the reflection in the mirror.

underneath the trophies, the good grades and the homecoming queen sash:

we’re all the same.

we’re all desperately searching for love.

not just love from others, though:

self-love.

for some of you struggling with an eating disorder, recovery seems so far away.

recovery seems impossible.

recovery seems scary.

exactly one year ago, i began my own personal journey towards recovery.

towards freedom from my own battle with anorexia.

towards the hope of one day truly loving myself.

one year ago, i decided i was worth it.

one year later, i know i am.

recently, i sat down with a recovered bulimic.

during our interview, she talked about wanting to look like the pretty, skinny girls in school and how she eventually developed her bulimia in 8th grade.

through the entire ordeal, all she wanted was to be perfect.

she hated herself and felt her parent’s love was dependent on her successes.

yet, after many years of hard work, she beat her bulimia.

now she loves herself and knows she is loved by others.

but for every story of recovery, there is still someone suffering.

someone is still battling with self-hate, self-harm and starvation.

someone is still searching for self-worth.

but it doesn’t have to end like this.

there is always hope for recovery.

if you, or someone you know, are ready to take the first steps towards eating disorder recovery, please click on the link.

you are worth love.

you are worth happiness.

you are worth life.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to love yourself.

dove beauty campaign

we all strive for beauty.

but the images we see aren’t real.

so why manipulate your body to become something that isn’t natural?

you are beautiful.

you deserve to be who you naturally are.

body comparisons as an anorexic

you do it everyday.

i do it everyday.

body comparisons are incredibly triggering for someone suffering from anorexia.

seeing someone thinner than you hurts.

seeing someone with anorexia who is thiner hurts even more.

it makes the disease scream louder in your ear.

it makes you feel like your worthless.

for those of you without an eating disorder: be thankful.

be thankful you’ve never experienced these thoughts.

be thankful you can walk in public without feeling the entire world is looking at you and thinking:

“she’s so fat. she’s so ugly. poor girl.”

now that i’m in recovery, i can notice the negativity of my thoughts.

i’m trying to learn these thoughts aren’t true.

this video was created from my personal memories.

this is what it was like living in my head when i was anorexic.

everyday.

my message to you if you’re suffering: you’re not alone.

i was there.

i told ana she did not own my life anymore.

the courage to silence the negativity and end the comparisons is there inside you.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to end the physical comparisons.

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