about me

my story begins five years ago when i was in high school. i had always been a dancer and spent my days in front of a mirror, but one day it registered in my brain that i had lost weight and my clothes fit more loosely. i liked it. i felt pretty. i wanted to get skinnier.

“only five more pounds. then i’ll be happy.”

but i never became any happier. in fact, i became miserable.

i was eventually diagnosed with anorexia and my internal battle began to consume my ever existence. i felt my self worth was based in the size of my clothes, the flatness of my waist, the number on the scale.

and i believed it. for four long miserable years.

my family was worried and my friends wanted me to stop, but i did’t listen.

eventually, i got to the point where my body could no longer function normally and i asked for help.

the doctors saved my life and my therapists began to teach my my life had value. people wanted me to stay alive. i wanted to stay alive.

it’s been almost a year since i was at my lowest weight, but that’s not to say it’s been easy. i’ve relapsed at times and taken steps back but i’m proud of my progress so far.

it’s a long road, and no one said it was easy, but i’m hoping to eventually make a beautiful recovery.

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14 thoughts on “about me

  1. Michael Anderson November 3, 2014 at 2:46 pm Reply

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  2. Jamie August 16, 2014 at 8:56 pm Reply

    hey, this is Jamie. Long story shot, I was anorexic for about 2 years and now i am “recovered”. However right now i gain more than I have ever gained in my entire life. Before anorexia i was 120-125lbs and now I weight 130-135 lbs. This scares me alot. I also have developed fat around my legs that resembles cellulite even though i run every day. I do binge eat usually everyday so I dont know if that explains the weight gain and the fat around my legs but I still exercise and the binges are not as bad anymore but I still weight the same and sometimes even gain more. I am terrified. I dont want to keep gaining weight and don’t know why i weigh so much if i never weighed this much before ….. 😦

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    • emifeldman September 13, 2014 at 11:47 pm Reply

      Hi Jamie,
      Thanks for reaching out to me! First of all, congratulations on being in recovery for two years! That’s amazing and I want you to wake up everyday and love this second chance at life you’ve been given.
      As for the 10lb weight gain: don’t stress it; you’re actually completely normal. I’m in the same boat with you where I’ve gained about 5-7 lbs over where I was before my anorexia took hold. What happens is after your body has been starved, it goes into a famine mode where it thinks there might be a food shortage again. Because of this, it will naturally store a little more fat than before, so it can keep you alive if food becomes scarce again.
      I know, it’s crazy that our bodies think like that! Honestly, I’m not a fan either, but I’m really happy to not be in a hospital and to be alive. I have a friend who’s almost in her 30s and she’s told me the same thing about her body.
      Try to not focus on the number on the scale (I hardly weigh myself anymore) and focus on how fit you look in that pair of jeans or how much your eyes pop in your favorite shirt. While we might not be able to control what our body wants our “norm” to be, we can control how we look at ourselves. And trust me, I know you look awesome 🙂

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  3. Alison March 11, 2014 at 11:24 pm Reply

    Hi.
    I have been trying to recover for about six months now. I have gained some weight back, and that scares me. My doctor and parents want me to eat 2000 calories or more per day but I’m so scared to. I lie and tell them I ate 1700 or more, when really I have only eaten about 1300 to 1500(I hate 1500 calories) I feel like giving up all the time. I like how I look now, but I don’t like that I am not strong and fit anymore like I was. I am starting college in four months and I’m scared. everything is so important right now and I feel as if I’m slipping. every time I eat I feel fat and ugly. I’m scared of carbs in any shape or form. I had a lot of fruit today and I feel like I will get super fat now. Is this normal? I think I need to stop with all of my self pity and self absorption but I don’t know how.

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    • emifeldman April 9, 2014 at 2:03 pm Reply

      Thanks for being so honest, that’s really brave of you! What you’re feeling is totally normal and I experienced it all. Even now, I have days where I don;t feel my best and get anxious about eating and my appearance. College is a tricky time because you’re on your own. Don’t let that be an excuse to get worse, you’re making such great progress now! As for telling the doctor false calorie counts: ask your doctor if you can eat foods and not count calories. Counting calories gives me anxiety and one of my nutritionists is actually super against it because it can be triggering. See if instead of counting and reporting a number, you can challenge yourself with new foods and report what you ate instead. Fruit won’t make you fat, there’s a lot of water in it so you’re experiencing “water weight” and that’s making you feel bloated. Try to eat some carbs, even though they’re scary. Those will keep you full longer and will help you in your recovery process. I’m always here and rooting for you 🙂

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  4. zoehorsemad October 11, 2013 at 2:22 am Reply

    Thank you so much I have gained 14lb all on my own , but I’m not happy that I have 😦
    I have gained weight while doing loads of exercise ????
    Why ??

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    • emifeldman October 21, 2013 at 6:27 pm Reply

      check out my latest blog post. i think it might explain your question better than i ever could 🙂

      Like

  5. zoehorsemad September 6, 2013 at 11:30 am Reply

    Hi my name is Zoe

    I am 18
    48.4kg
    5ft 10 BMI 15.2

    I am recovering from anorexia and compulsive exercise.

    I really want to overcome and stop the feeling of wanting to burn everything off afterwards by exercising and by that I don’t mean The Gym, running, purging, laxatives, I just walk everywhere or pace the house or do housework .

    I eat 2500 calories a day
    I do 2 hours of walking + housework

    I really don’t know how much exercise I should be doing or how many calories I should be eating .
    I don’t have my periods , I haven’t had them for 3 years now .

    Please can you help me ? as i really want to get better but I’m finding it so hard to overcome the exercise thoughts after eating.

    I hope to hear from you x

    From Zoe xx

    Like

  6. zoehorsemad September 6, 2013 at 3:10 am Reply

    Hi my name is Zoe

    I am 18
    48.4kg
    5ft 10 BMI 15.2

    I am recovering from anorexia and compulsive exercise.

    I really want to overcome and stop the feeling of wanting to burn everything off afterwards by exercising and by that I don’t mean The Gym, running, purging, laxatives, I just walk everywhere or pace the house or do housework .

    I eat 2500 calories a day
    I do 2 hours of walking + housework

    I really don’t know how much exercise I should be doing or how many calories I should be eating .
    I don’t have my periods , I haven’t had them for 3 years now .

    Please can you help me ? as i really want to get better but I’m finding it so hard to overcome the exercise thoughts after eating.

    I hope to hear from you x

    Like

    • emifeldman September 23, 2013 at 8:23 pm Reply

      hey zoe,

      sorry it took me so long to respond to you. your story hit home for me on so many levels and reading your words remind me of where i was not too long ago.

      first of all, i’m really proud of you for taking the step towards recovery. this is such a big life decision and for that i couldn’t be more excited for the life you have ahead of you.

      being in recovery means changing how you’ve been thinking about certain things in your life, which can be really tricky. i’m not a doctor, and i do highly recommend looking into some sort of outpatient program. the staff there really understands exactly what you’re going through and is best equipped to help you get moving in the right direction.

      it makes me happy to hear that you’re eating 2500 calories a day. personally, learning to eat food again was where i struggled the most. however, it sounds to me that by walking for 2 hours a day and continuing to move around your house, you’re burning off a lot of those calories.

      compulsive exercise is very difficult to get over. it’s become a normal part of your day, just like brushing your teeth and so you’re going to have to be kind to yourself in this transition process of cutting back on exercise.

      for over a year, i experienced anxiety if i didn’t go to the gym daily; it controlled me. slowly i started cutting back on the amount of time i spent there, or the amount of time i spent active. your body is in a major calorie deficit and continuing to burn calories is only putting you into further negative numbers.

      if i was in your position, i would cut my walking time from 2 hours a day to 1 hour and 50 minutes for a week. let your body and mind adjust to this change and know that you are alright. if at the end of the week you are still really struggling with this change, do another week of the same time. if you’ve found you’re doing ok, mentally mostly, reduce your walking time by 5 or 10 minutes; make sure you feel the number still has you feeling comfortable.

      my doctors told me 30-60 minutes of exercise is a healthy range to be in (so maybe look at that as a goal for down the road.) i don’t know how vigorous your walking is but i do know that’s the amount of daily recommended exercise.

      while starting to cut back on your exercise time, try introducing caloric drinks back into your diet along with some “fun food.” this was something my nutritionist really challenged me with and over the course of a few weeks, i started to notice my body was handling this change nicely, and things started to go back to normal.

      losing your period means you aren’t getting enough nutritions for your body to carry on normal function. you need to make sure you are retaining (meaning calories not burned off at the end of the day) about 2000 calories a day for an extended length of time to get your period back. what i am still reminding myself daily is: i didn’t get to my lowest overnight and it’s going to take some time for my body to heal. your body is stronger than you think, it’ll come back, promise 🙂

      i’m sorry for such a long message. you asked a lot of really good questions and it took me a while to come up with what i thought the best answers were that i could give.

      if you ever are wondering anything else, please send me another comment and i’d be happy to give you my opinion.

      you are beautiful.

      i can’t stress that enough xoxo

      Like

      • zoehorsemad September 24, 2013 at 2:52 am

        Hi
        Thanks for your reply
        I have a hard time feeling beautiful lately 😦

        I have actually cut down my exercise from 7 hours to 2 hours

        I walk very fast as in quote tall with a large stride , everybody thinks I speed walk .
        I walk after ever meal or pace the house or housework.
        After breakfast I pace the house, after lunch I go for a 2 jour walk when I’m out shopping etc, after dinner I go for a walk with my dad, and after supper I do housework and pace the house, it is quite bad I know.
        I wish I could just STOP like I have been told to by many many people!!!!
        But that’s easier said than done

        Like

      • emifeldman October 10, 2013 at 5:51 pm

        you’re so strong for continuing to keep pushing forward through this time of transition. just know i’m rooting for you the entire way 🙂

        Like

  7. clisawork August 8, 2013 at 12:49 am Reply

    I am so encouraged by your bravery in taking these steps toward a better life.

    Like

    • emifeldman September 23, 2013 at 8:25 pm Reply

      thank you so much! everyday is a new adventure, and with it comes new challenges and obstacles but i’m so thankful for this second chance at life 🙂

      Like

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