your stomach growls.
you smile a little and feel as if you’ve won a small victory:
pro-ana sites have told you time and again this is what you want:
you want to be hungry.
you want to fast an hour longer than you did last time.
you want to feel hungry and if you don’t, you’ve one something wrong.
for anyone suffering from an eating disorder, this is your painful everyday reality.
you starve yourself to feel any self worth.
you starve yourself to obtain beauty.
feeling hunger has become a regular part of your life, just as brushing your teeth in the morning.
for someone attempting to recover from an eating disorder, learning to eat regular meals is more of a struggle than some may think.
personally, i was a night eater, during my years battling anorexia.
i feared eating in front of others and would eat in secret late at night.
i was in a routine and had a difficult time changing this habit.
my body was trained to not recognize hunger and i prided myself for this unnatural trait.
when i began the first steps towards recovery, i was challenged by my nutritionist to start eating small “snack like meals” multiple times a day.
i’ll be honest, i cried frequently.
i was unstable.
i was unhappy.
i felt like a failure.
every time i ate, i would go to a mirror and analyze my body, searching for visible weight gain.
so why am i telling you this?
why am i talking about my own struggle?
you are not alone.
you are not the only one struggling with learning to eat again.
it’s incredibly difficult, i understand.
sometimes we feel alone in our battle, with our personal struggles, because we work so hard to hide our condition from the world.
but know this:
you are not the only one.
learning to feed your body again is no easy feat, it took you time to get to where you are and it’ll take time to get back to a recovered “normal.”
you will have good days and bad days, but don’t give up.
for taking the steps toward recovery, you are already stronger than you know.
keep fighting and pushing forward, i believe in you.
you are beautiful.
you deserve to feed your body.
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