living: as an anorexic

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what’s the first thing you do every single morning?

you wake up.

for most people, it’s a new day and another 24 hours to accomplish tasks.

but not for you.

not for someone battling an eating disorder.

this is another morning where you’ve already failed.

all because you woke up.

you wished last night your heart would stop beating, and it didn’t.

therefore, you failed.

for someone who has never suffered from an eating disorder, thoughts such as this sound concerning.

however, for the nearly 70 million individuals worldwide who struggle daily with anorexia or bulimia, this is nothing new.

think about that number: 70 million people.

that’s 10 million more than the death toll of WWII.

yet, eating disorders are nothing out of the ordinary.

depression is nothing out of the ordinary.

self-hatred is nothing out of the ordinary.

everyday is a struggle.

the disorder often takes over every part of your life:

even your dreams.

many times, you will wake up from a dream where they binged on unhealthy food.

these dreams appear to be quite life-like and it becomes impossible to recall if the event really happened, or was simply imagined.

because of this, you will perform a grueling exercise regime to burn off any calories consumed.

regardless of the time at night.

you are faced with a constant struggle regarding food:

“should i eat it, or should i not?”

food is your obsession: it’s all you think about, it’s all you talk about.

for someone suffering with anorexia, food is the enemy.

it is your greatest fear because calorie consumption will result in weight gain.

to combat this, you starve yourself and restrict you calorie consumption to a mere 600-800 calories.

for someone suffering from bulimia, food is dangerous.

you have no concept of portion control, which results in binging and eventually purging.

sweets are the biggest triggers for a binge, something you do your best to stay away from.

but it’s not just your perception of food that is affected by your eating disorder:

it’s your everyday existence.

from taking a shower, to picking out clothes, to even the way you carry yourself walking from class to class, your eating disorder controls your thoughts.

your eating disorder is inside your head, constantly bullying you and fueling self-doubt.

no matter where you go, the voice of anorexia dictates your every decision.

no matter what you do, the voice of bulimia dictates your every decision.

because of this, eating disorders have the highest suicide rates of any mental illness.

they’re impossibly difficult to cope with, while still trying to maintain a normal life.

trying to explain your daily thoughts and reasonings to someone without an eating disorder is impossible.

you’ve tried before.

i’ve tried before.

previously, our attempts have failed.

but this time will be different.

this time we will break through to someone and let our plight be understood.

this link is to a podcast, created by myself.

based on my personal experiences, and the contributions made by the followers of @RecoveryBeauty, our story is ready to be told.

our daily struggles are ready to be heard.

this podcast vividly describes the daily mental struggles of living with anorexia.

for some of you, this is your everyday existence.

for others, this will open your eyes to what a friend or loved one may be experiencing.

living with an eating disorder is a terrible existence, but there is help.

there is hope for recovery.

if you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, please click this link for help in seeking treatment in the USA or click this link which will guide you to recovery option in the UK.

you can be helped.

you are not too far gone.

the voices may be silenced, the habits may be broken.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to live your life. 

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