Monthly Archives: March 2013

enough is enough

“If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…”
― Cheri Huber, There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate

self-hate.

self-loathing.

you experience it everyday.

if someone was bullying you on the school bus, you’d switch seats.

if someone was harassing you at work, you’d take action.

yet, you allow your mind to bully you everyday.

you allow yourself to slip into depression and sadness.

it’s a vicious cycle that seems impossible to break.

tell that voice in your head to be quiet.

it doesn’t have any place to judge.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to not be bullied.

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living: as an anorexic

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what’s the first thing you do every single morning?

you wake up.

for most people, it’s a new day and another 24 hours to accomplish tasks.

but not for you.

not for someone battling an eating disorder.

this is another morning where you’ve already failed.

all because you woke up.

you wished last night your heart would stop beating, and it didn’t.

therefore, you failed.

for someone who has never suffered from an eating disorder, thoughts such as this sound concerning.

however, for the nearly 70 million individuals worldwide who struggle daily with anorexia or bulimia, this is nothing new.

think about that number: 70 million people.

that’s 10 million more than the death toll of WWII.

yet, eating disorders are nothing out of the ordinary.

depression is nothing out of the ordinary.

self-hatred is nothing out of the ordinary.

everyday is a struggle.

the disorder often takes over every part of your life:

even your dreams.

many times, you will wake up from a dream where they binged on unhealthy food.

these dreams appear to be quite life-like and it becomes impossible to recall if the event really happened, or was simply imagined.

because of this, you will perform a grueling exercise regime to burn off any calories consumed.

regardless of the time at night.

you are faced with a constant struggle regarding food:

“should i eat it, or should i not?”

food is your obsession: it’s all you think about, it’s all you talk about.

for someone suffering with anorexia, food is the enemy.

it is your greatest fear because calorie consumption will result in weight gain.

to combat this, you starve yourself and restrict you calorie consumption to a mere 600-800 calories.

for someone suffering from bulimia, food is dangerous.

you have no concept of portion control, which results in binging and eventually purging.

sweets are the biggest triggers for a binge, something you do your best to stay away from.

but it’s not just your perception of food that is affected by your eating disorder:

it’s your everyday existence.

from taking a shower, to picking out clothes, to even the way you carry yourself walking from class to class, your eating disorder controls your thoughts.

your eating disorder is inside your head, constantly bullying you and fueling self-doubt.

no matter where you go, the voice of anorexia dictates your every decision.

no matter what you do, the voice of bulimia dictates your every decision.

because of this, eating disorders have the highest suicide rates of any mental illness.

they’re impossibly difficult to cope with, while still trying to maintain a normal life.

trying to explain your daily thoughts and reasonings to someone without an eating disorder is impossible.

you’ve tried before.

i’ve tried before.

previously, our attempts have failed.

but this time will be different.

this time we will break through to someone and let our plight be understood.

this link is to a podcast, created by myself.

based on my personal experiences, and the contributions made by the followers of @RecoveryBeauty, our story is ready to be told.

our daily struggles are ready to be heard.

this podcast vividly describes the daily mental struggles of living with anorexia.

for some of you, this is your everyday existence.

for others, this will open your eyes to what a friend or loved one may be experiencing.

living with an eating disorder is a terrible existence, but there is help.

there is hope for recovery.

if you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, please click this link for help in seeking treatment in the USA or click this link which will guide you to recovery option in the UK.

you can be helped.

you are not too far gone.

the voices may be silenced, the habits may be broken.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to live your life. 

11 pounds

take a guess: what do doctors consider to be the definition of an eating disorder?

what is the weight needed to be diagnosed with anorexia?

what is the weight needed to be diagnosed with bulimia?

is it 120 lbs?

is it 95 lbs?

is it 86 lbs?

doctors have concluded there is no “standard weight” to base a diagnois of an eating disorder off of.

it’s a weight loss which categorizes these diseases.

11 lbs.

11 lbs of self-induced weightloss instigated by purging, starvation or excessive exercise.

that’s it.

only 11 lbs.

11 lbs leading to depression.

11 lbs leading to self-harm.

11 lbs leading to a death from the inside out.

doctors have finally understood you don’t have to look like a skelton to suffer from an eating disorder.

anyone can be fighting with anorexia or bulimia, regardless of her outside appearance.

all eating disorders are serious.

all unhealthy weightloss is dangerous.

these diseases are nothing to play with and quickly snowball into something much more serious than just skipping breakfast.

if you, or someone you know are suffering from an eating disorder, depression or self-harm, please click this link

you are beautiful.

you deserve to know the facts.

st. patrick’s day meets society’s cookie cutter

st. patrick’s day meets society’s cookie cutter

in honor of st. patrick’s day, i have created a podcast just for you.

think of it as me personally relaying a message to you, literally close your eyes and pretend we’re having a conversation.

a conversation where i talk about march 17 and how it connects to the idea i call “society’s cookie cutter.”

the idea that society firmly believes in: there is only one perfect body type.

but that’s not correct.

not by a mile.

natural and individual beauty makes you unique.

it should be celebrated, just as this holiday is.

you deserve to be celebrated.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to break the mold.

liebster award winner

Imagethe lovely dana gibbs has nominated me for a liebster award.

not only is she so unbelievably sweet, but she’s an incredibly gifted writer.

click here to check out her (also nominated) blog.

so now, to lock in my nomination, i have to answer these 11 questions.

this entry won’t be the most inspirational, but it will give you a little glimpse into my life…

1.  what is the answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything?

as a born-again christian, i’m a very firm believer in god and his love for us. after suffering with an eating disorder for about five years, and currently battling my third relapse, it’s so easy to want to give up and be mad at him. however, i know he loves me and has a plan for my life. without suffering from anorexia, i wouldn’t have been able to start this blog or my twitter account (@RecoveryBeauty) and inspire people through my story. no matter how bad the situation gets, god will always have your back. i promise. for a little reading on this topic from the bible, start reading jeremiah 29:11.

2.  In your opinion, is the climbing hydrangea or the bougainvillea more evil?

choosing one flower over another and calling it “evil?” i love getting flowers from my boyfriend (hint-hint) so i’ve never looked at them as being evil… i guess if i had to choose one i’d say the climbing hydrangea. my dad has one of these plants at our home and if they get enough rain, these flowers go insane and take over the flower bed. clearly they’re the divas of the flower world.

3.  Can you hula-hoop?

i wish i could. i was a dancer for over thirteen years and i’m still not coordinated enough to keep it up for more than .001 seconds.

4.  Even if you could hula-hoop, why the heck would you want to?

well clearly the only reason i would ever want to hula-hoop is so i could answer “yes” when someone asks me if i can. that’s the only reason. other than that i see no point.

5.  What’s the magic word?

please. thank you. love. inspiration. beautiful. recovery.

6.  Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, or Spock?

well, think about it: if you whipped out a lizard when someone was accepting your fist, they’d probably run away. ladies and gentlemen, i think we just found the trump card.

7.  What sort of punishment should a blogger be subjected to, who recycles his or her old ideas and just hopes against hope that no one will notice?

i don’t think they should be punished. every blog post i put up centers around eating disorder recovery and self-beauty. some ideas are classic and timeless and need to be shared more than once. what one person understands said one way, will resonate with another person differently. if you have an old idea that’s important to you, write about it again, it just may inspire another person.

8.  If I gave you a bucket of water balloons and let you loose, who would you splosh first, and why?

well, first off i would probably be too surprised to function because in all seriousness i’m a five year old on the inside. hello? water balloons! i would run back to my building and zip into my bedroom (which is on the 8th floor.) then i’d get my hall-mates together and we’d throw them out the window at people.

why…? why not?

9.  What is the first thing that pops into your head when you cross your eyes, stick out your tongue, and hop up and down on one foot?

i think of a dr. seuss character. why? because it’s a crazy and silly thing to do. dr. suess created crazy and silly characters.

10.  What is your superpower?

my superpower is most definitely the power to overcome obstacles. i kicked anorexia’s control on my life. to me, that’s super. superpowers are more than being able to fly and breathe underwater; everyone is a superhero. everyone has a superpower. there’s something that we’ve all done, which required immense strength, and to me, that’s what makes us super.

11.  Do you have a secret identity?

i guess you could call my twitter account my secret identity. my name is not on it and i anonymously follow people with eating disorders, depression and struggles with self-harm from all over the world. @RecoveryBeauty has allowed me to connect and be inspired by guys and girls with different backgrounds. and that is the greatest secret.

Imageand now, for the next step to this liebster award, here are my own personal 11 nominations: (in no particular order, you’re all beautiful)

1. ultimate freedom (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/46617803/)

2. Happiness from within (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/35625814/)

3. Hello Life: A Year Without a Scale (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/46164536/)

4. The Mary Streech Project (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/25472394/)

5. Bits of Mimi (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/43307707/)

6. Shannon Walks (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/43631825/)

7. Anon Dreamer Girl (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/46796374/)

8. Riddlemethis20 (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/44912963/)

9. onegirlarmystrong (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/22507751/)

10. dawn points (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/21802955/)

11. Extended Recovery (http://wordpress.com/#!/read/blog/id/41098574/)

thank you all so much for of your support so far. i appreciate all of you.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to feel appreciated.

tasting calories

“You don’t even taste the food anymore, all you taste are calories.”

you go to your favorite restaurant and sit down.

everyone around you looks at the entree they feel is the most delicious.

you scour the menu for the lowest calorie option.

you try and calculate nutritional values mentally.

eating is no longer fun, it’s something you do to stay alive.

you can’t taste beyond the calories.

don’t let calories, fat content or sodium get you down: your body needs these to stay fueled.

you body needs this to survive.

i know it’s hard but treat yourself every once and a while.

don’t burn off the calories you just took in.

don’t purge. i know it’s hard.

for a great reference, click here for a link to the “eat this not that” website.

it’s filled with hundreds of easy swaps to make eating fun again.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to look beyond the calories.

eating: in the eyes of an anorexic

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have you ever tried to describe the experience of eating to someone who has never experienced an eating disorder?

it’s nearly impossible.

they cannot understand the constant fear you experience as you look at a plate of food.

they cannot understand the quick calculations, which occur in your head, as you decide what will be eaten.

they cannot understand the feeling of failure as you look at an empty plate, knowing all those calories are inside of you.

they cannot understand the desire to punish yourself for your careless mistakes.

thoughts swarm your head as you sit down to a meal,

“everyone is watching the amount of food i take.”

“they know i have an eating disorder, but if i eat too much they’ll think i’m healthy.”

“i can’t have them think i’m healthy.”

“i can’t do this. i can’t let myself eat. i’m already too fat and ugly.”

the voices scream insults at you, growing louder and louder…

… but all you want is for the voices to be silenced.

all you want is to enjoy eating one meal completely guilt free.

they say a “picture is worth one thousand words.”

above there are five pictures, each representing one thousand words.

five thousand thoughts.

five thousand stories.

five thousand lives.

your story is one of them.

this cycle can be broken. this cycle can be changed. this cycle can end today.

i challenge you to speak up; let your voice be heard.

stop this abuse you take from your mind.

inside of you is a happy person, just waiting to be let out.

talk to someone you trust, that’s the first step to recovery.

that’s the first step to ending anorexia or bulimia or depression or self-harm’s grip on your life.

for more information about receiving help, click here.

you are beautiful.

you deserve to be free.

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